I’m tired of being told that we must all race to the bottom and figure out who’s burden is the greatest in order to determine our worth in a given situation. As though some how modern society had been replaced by ancient models of human sacrifice to appease the gods and in doing so you were only worth how much you were personally giving up or suffering. Except we aren’t ascetics as a result of this. We don’t sacrifice and give things up for True GreatnessTM, we do it for greatness in the social rigamarole. We gain materially and dopamine-ally through these “Sacrifices.” We turn down help and discredit what we get while claiming that we single-handedly overcame every adversity thrown at us. We spit at the open hands reaching for compassion and help and we applaud those that overburden themselves when there are plenty to share the load while standing idly on the side grinning at our own fortunes. We stick the pipe in the spoke and blame the bike for falling over.
I’m tired of having who I was held against me. If in some ways that are negative anyone finds me to still be that person, please, let me know. Perhaps it’s a blind spot. I’ve spent nearly 5 years working with someone to find as many of them as could be rooted out and I’m about to possibly graduate from that process. Go me. I’ve made mistakes, some of which I can only see in retrospect. I had to make them to be able to recognize them. I recognize that I am critical in the now. Maybe that makes me hypocritical somehow, but the now is supposed to be the result of all of the thens. We have to be worse to get better. That said, don’t take credit for who I am unless you deserve it. Some people do, I’ve had lots of help. And to those people, there are some of you that I will never really be able to repay. I hope I have thanked you enough so far. But to those who in this dense field of perceptions of centrality, don’t flatter yourselves. We all think we are the central architect of the things that happen around us. Wait, you don’t? Maybe we’re born with it because it’s genetic narcissism.
And you, prick.
You, are whom I am the most sick of. You reactive, self-interested, conniving, paranoid, self-exiled outcast. You thought you were taking care of yourself and keeping yourself safe and that didn’t fucking work out did it. Like, pretty much ever, asshole. Thank you for not dying, and thank you for showing us all so many of things it turns out that you decide that you want are actually set out to destroy yourself. At least you are a complete failure in the right regards. If it’s alright though, I think I’ll try to run things from here.