Forget the time, where do I go?

In case you haven’t been clued in by the disjointed style of this blog, I’m a little disorganized. And incredibly easily distracted. Those two things are without a doubt related and several years of therapy have taught me that. I’m also having the rare “really good day” today and I’m trying to pay extra attention to the things that make it one. Sometimes the sky seems like every day is gray, and horrible, and the same. Sometimes my feet fail to hit the ground. Part of me feels like I’m just hiding, but I couldn’t tell you what I’m scared of. Part of me also feels like I don’t know if the way I experience life is valid or if I need to try harder, or find some better strength. My strategies are weak, but I am ambitious.

There are people who have every facet of their life planned out. They do not count me as one of them. This is only advantageous in that I am likely incredibly lucky. There are certain things in my life that cannot be attributed to anything other than luck. Things just happened the way that they have and any other way would have resulted in my not continuing to happen. Several years ago I felt very much like a ship without a rudder, let alone a sail. That’s not an uncommon sentiment these days. A job and some distractions are fine for a while, but what happens when you decide that you want more from life. Hobbies fill the time, but finding out that produces a feeling of growth and reward is often a tradeoff that must be weighed against the tedious repetition of it. Which is really only to be compared to exciting repetition because car soccer and battle royales are pretty repetitive. Knitting doesn’t get the heart pumping.

I sit at a cluttered desk, with a cluttered desktop. My mind is cluttered, but definitely less so recently. The rudder that so many of us lack these days is purpose. We’ve all been told, convinced, or simply came to the conclusion that at some point we mostly exists as wheels in a bigger machine and that everything is meaningless in the sense that it matters on a larger scale. Nihilism runs amok and people fail to achieve the apparent goal of really that nothing matters which is to decide on a couple of things that personally do. How that is actually worked out though varies so much from person to person. And in my case there are a few things that matter. Again, shocking probably nobody. Me, unable to decide on a single directive. I managed to find a level that works though, but my routine still needs work. All any of us can do in that situation is do better from here on. Habits exist as they do until we try to do them differently and then eventually, theoretically, they exist without having to think about them. Finding something to do, some central driving self narrative to serve as a point of magnetism for your attention. Odds are that if you really pay attention you will find something that your attention drifts toward. Follow it. See where it goes. Take action. That’s the really tricky part is shifting from thinking and day dreaming where you can be anything that you tell yourself you are into actually working toward making those day dreams a reality.

What do you want to do that you feel like you aren’t because you can’t? How much of that is just something that you’re telling yourself? What barriers are real and what barriers are just there to protect you from harm that isn’t there? We are what we do and what we do is what we focus on and that all just serves to feedback into itself until we achieve what we set out to do. Getting out of a funk can be as simple as taking a step. No one ever said that simple was easy though.

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